paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
