whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
