nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
