She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
