If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize