i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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