I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
