so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
