I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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