I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
