A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
