Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So much rum. So many feels.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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