I molested 6 butterflies tonight
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
