I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
