Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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