hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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