walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
