i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
