I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Michael Bay diarrhea
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
