Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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