woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She bit a glass in half.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
