One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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