I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Your dad touched me again.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
