i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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