That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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