Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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