Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
