I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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