Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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