You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
