I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
