Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
