I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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