The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
