half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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