God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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