Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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