she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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