You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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