Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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