I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
