What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have fence marks all over my body
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
