He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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