I just made out with a guy for $7.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
