i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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