Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i've created a new STD.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
