i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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