Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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