i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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