For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
he just fucked me for my cheese.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
