Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
