and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
