Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
