i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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