I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
