i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
