i was born a porn star she said
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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