i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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