So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
