I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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