Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
