I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
