I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
