never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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